Before Enlightenment
by Bri-chan
Summary: Ryan struggles with his sexual identity when he realizes Seth likes him. [RyanSeth, KirstenSandy, Marissa]


**Before Enlightenment**

A/N: Written for somethinrandom for the Chrismukkah fic exchange, found here: http:livejournal . com / community / chrismukkahfic

* * *

He had already made this trip. But that didn't mean that wasn't nervous during the return trip.

Ryan glanced briefly at Seth, who was sitting in the window seat. He was staring out the window, looking pensive. Ryan didn't want to disturb his reverie, so he stared at the back of the seat in front of him.

Again, his mind drifted to Theresa. He still felt a deep sorrow about her miscarriage. But was he doing the right thing, returning to the Cohens? She had said it was alright, but… Ryan's conscience battled over what was the right thing to do.

"Ryan, you're brooding again."

He jumped slightly and turned to Seth, who was smirking at him. "There's nothing wrong with brooding," Ryan remarked, his bad mood alleviating.

"It might be alright for _you_, Mr. All-I-Do-Is-Brood, but sometimes it's good to talk about it." The invitation was evident in his tone and his warm face. "And Seth Cohen, Ultimate Self-Help Guru _and_ your best friend is here."

Ryan smiled. "Ultimate Self-Help Guru? I don't think so."

"No, it's true! See, you're smiling already! I'm helping you out, Ryan. I want to help you more."

"I, uh… appreciate that, Seth," Ryan began, "But I don't really want to talk about it right now."

Seth nodded reluctantly. "Of course, of course. But whenever you _do_ want to talk about it, just shut me up and I'll listen. 'Cause I get this feeling that _maybe_ I wasn't the friend I should've been Ryan. And now that I'm getting this second chance, I want to do better."

Ryan was bewildered. "Seth, you were a good friend." A really good friend, Ryan realized, but he didn't want to make this conversation even more girly.

"But obviously, I wasn't good enough, because you left." Seth mumbled.

"Seth, you know that…" Ryan started to explain, then took in his morose face, and the bitter voice. Seth said he was his best friend, and he was. But why wouldn't he understand? Unless… He hoped he was wrong. "Seth, do you like me?" he asked, making his voice as light and joking as he could.

Seth froze for a moment, then sighed. "You're… you're right, Ryan. But don't _ever_ think that everything I've said or done was because of this. You _are_ my best friend." When Ryan didn't reply, because he was still taking it in, Seth continued. "This is where you hit me and look disgusted."

"Seth," Ryan managed to say, "I'm not disgusted." Just… trying to wrap his mind around it. When had it begun? And what about Summer?

"Then this is where you'd say, 'I'm flattered, but I don't return your feelings'" Seth said instead.

"Seth…" He didn't want to upset Seth. But he didn't want to give him hope either. "I'm sorry," he blurted, honestly, before turning to the back of the seat.

It was a long trip home.

* * *

Kirsten was elated to see her boys home again. But, her maternal alarm went off when she saw their awkwardness, and them leaving the kitchen in opposite directions. 

"Sandy, I'm so happy to see them," she began as she hugged him, "But something's wrong with them."

Sandy tightened his arms around his wife. "Maybe they were just tired," he replied.

"There was more to it than that," Kirsten said, "But I know that they won't talk to us about it. I hope they'll be okay."

"Me too," he replied, and kissed her sweetly.

* * *

After a few days of self-induced exile, Seth and Ryan finally emerged from their rooms to face the first day of school.

"Well, won't you look at that!" Sandy boomed as they both walked in, "You two in the same room together. I never would've thought to see the day."

"We're united in the quest for good food," Seth quipped, "And the terror of school starting. So where's the grub?"

"We're just having bagels today," Sandy informed as he was applying cream cheese to his bagels. The boys took seats across from each other, and started preparing their own bagels.

Ryan didn't want Seth thinking that there was something wrong. So when Seth looked up at Ryan for a second, Ryan smiled at him. Seth blushed slightly, but smiled back.

* * *

"The Harbor School Comic Book League?" Ryan parroted Seth, "Would anyone join that?"

"We won't know unless we try!" said Seth with zeal. "Besides, look at this. _No one_ could resist this." He handed Ryan a bright pink flyer.

Ryan studied it, with was mostly an informational flyer except for a picture of a superhero. But she didn't look like any famous one, and the style was unique. "Did you draw this?" he asked.

"Yeah," he said with a playful grin, then lowered his voice conspiratorially, "If you couldn't tell, it's supposed to be me with superpowers."

"It's really good," Ryan complimented, smiling.

"Thanks," Seth said, genuinely pleased and surprised.

Ryan continued to stare at Seth. He had a really nice smile. He wasn't handsome, or gorgeous, but he was attractive in a boyish way.

It wasn't until Seth blushed that he realized he was staring, or that he was actually… checking his best friend out. What was wrong with him?

* * *

Ryan checked his watch—his watch that he bought with his own money last year—and sighed. It had been ten minutes, and there still wasn't anyone there.

"You said no one could resist this, Seth," Ryan remarked, "I somehow find that to be incorrect."

"Ha. Ha. You're a funny man, Ryan. See me laughing?" Seth deadpanned, "Look, dude, I know that it looks bad right now. But once everyone eats, there'll be a stampede of people coming, Ryan!"

Ryan didn't grace that comment with a response, just gave him a piteous look.

"I'm here for the comic book league," a voice said. The two looked up to see Zach.

"You are?" Ryan and Seth say in unison, then Seth continues, "But you're on the water polo team."

Zach gives them a genuinely confused look. "So?" he asked.

Instead of answering that, Seth begins to ask Zach many questions, which he all answers well. Once Seth's interrogation was over, they bantered and discussed some comic book series in depth.

Ryan only looked on. He liked the comics Seth introduced him to, but he was no aficionado. And Seth looked happy to be able to finally talk to someone about his passion. He could never be that person for him.

He glanced at Zach, and saw that he was attractive _and_ charming. While he knew that once he might have liked the boy, now he was seething just looking at him.

He was so caught up brooding that he was surprised when Zach and Seth stood up. "C'mon, Ryan," Seth said, "Meeting's over." He stood up and walked with Seth, lingering behind Zach. "I love that guy," he gushed, turning to Ryan.

Ryan swallowed down another swell of illogical anger by looking at Zach, who was in lip-lock with Summer. "Looks like you're not the only one."

Seth gaped comically. "What? But, Summer can't date Zach! It's impossible!"

The words were out of his mouth before he could censor himself. "A minute ago, you wanted to date him." He was surprised to notice that jealousy had seeped into his voice.

Seth looked at him with alarm. Ryan smiled at him, hoping that it would be enough to explain the comment and the jealousy.

It wouldn't.

* * *

"Seth!" Marissa exclaimed from her bed, "What a surprise to see you."

"Yeah, um," Seth started nervously from her door, "Can I come in?"

"Sure!" Marissa said, looking flustered but willing to help. She patted the space next to her as an invitation to sit on her bed, and he did. "What brings you here? You don't normally show up."

"This sounds weird, but I need someone to talk to."

Marissa was curious. "And you can't talk to Ryan about it? I thought you were best friends."

Seth sighed deeply. "Well, I can't talk to Ryan if he's the subject. And since Summer and I aren't exactly on speaking terms, you're the only one I have left, if you wouldn't mind, of course?"

"I wouldn't mind," said Marissa, "So, what's up with Ryan?"

Seth blanched. "You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

She furrowed her brows. "What do you mean? Whatever it is, I won't judge you."

"Okay, um…" Seth said, trying to start. "I like Ryan. A lot. That doesn't make me gay or anything, because I still liked Summer, but you know, I really like Ryan too and—"

"Seth, you're rambling," she chastised with a teasing smile.

"I guess I am, but that's what I do. Master rambler here," said Seth as he ran a hand nervously through his hair, "Yeah. I like your ex-boyfriend."

"And he doesn't like you back?"

"I assumed he didn't. He sorta figured it out, and he never said that explicitly, but it was subtext. But he's been acting weird. He stared at me once, and sounded jealous about my friendship with Zach. I don't want to read too much into things, though, but I can't help it."

"One always does," mused Marissa, "Seth, it's clear that Ryan likes you, maybe not that way. And if you're not completely sure, you should just ask him."

"I suppose I should," Seth said, "But can you imagine that conversation. 'Hey Ryan. You seem to be acting a little gay, so are you?' That'll go over well."

"If there's something I've learned," Marissa replied, "Is that it's important to ask. Otherwise you'll be filled with hope for too long."

"Fine. I'll ask," said Seth, who then laughed. "Wow, it's really nice to have someone to talk to about this."

Marissa smiled. "It's no problem, Seth."

There was a long silence, and then Seth piped up, "So, do you _really_ like punk music?"

Marissa laughed. "Of course! I'll show you my collection."

* * *

Kirsten was fixing herself a cup of coffee when Ryan entered the kitchen.

"Isn't it a little late for coffee?" he asked as he searched the fridge.

"Isn't it a little late for dessert?" Kirsten mimicked, taking a sip of her too-hot coffee. "Since when did you have late night snacks anyway?"

"I've been thinking about something," Ryan said as he took out a gallon of ice cream.

"Oh really? Would you fill me in?" asked Kirsten.

Ryan paused in scooping his ice cream, staring into the swirls of vanilla, chocolate and caramel. "I'm trying to figure something out," he said slowly.

"Maybe I can help you figure it out," said Kirsten hopefully. As much as she loved Ryan, she never got to talk to him.

"It's about Seth," he took in a deep breath, "During the trip home, I figured out that he… liked me."

Kirsten was shocked. "Really? Are you sure?" He nodded. "But…" she gulped, resolving to have a talk with her son, "How do you feel about that?"

He shrugged. "I wasn't disgusted; it's Seth, after all. But ever since, I've been thinking differently."

"How so?" she asked, intrigued.

Ryan couldn't tell her everything. She was Seth's _mother_, after all. "I got jealous of Seth's new friend Zach." After he said it, he was embarrassed to have admitted it.

"Is that because he's a friendly competition, or… more than that?" Kirsten was feeling surreal, having a conversation with Ryan about… this.

Ryan considered that, and then came to a decision, somewhat hesitantly. "I think it was more," he confessed, then quickly amended himself, "But I'm not gay!"

Kirsten smiled. "You don't have to be gay to like Seth. You're young. And you liked Marissa and Theresa, didn't you? Then you might be bisexual. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual."

"I know that, but… I don't know. It's different."

"Sweetie, it isn't that different. You obviously aren't used to liking a boy, and it's hard to admit. But Ryan, you don't have to suddenly redefine yourself because of a person you like. Labels aren't that important. Instead of thinking, 'I'm gay because I like Seth,' think 'I'm just me because I like Seth.'"

"Really? So… I'm not gay?"

Kirsten shrugged. "You could be, you could not be. But more importantly, you're Ryan. Who happens to like Seth."

Ryan smiled, relieved. "Thanks. This… makes it easier." He hugged Kirsten briefly, but they cherished it. "Wow. I like Seth," he said with a silly smile.

Kirsten smiled as Ryan turned to leave the kitchen. Before he completely left, however, Kirsten exclaimed, "If you hurt my son, I'll kill you!" And she was half serious.

She heard Ryan chuckle softly. "Trust me. I'll try not to."

* * *

It was the morning of the carnival, and both Ryan and Seth looked more relaxed as they entered the kitchen. Instead of awkwardly trying to avoid each other as they maneuvered the kitchen, they acted normally. When they sat down at the table, they talked animatedly.

Kirsten and Sandy walked into the kitchen to see them acting normally again. Sandy was bewildered.

"How could they go from awkward to this so quickly?" he asked, "It's like they got over a lover's spat."

Kirsten giggled. "Close," she said, smiling widely.

"Kirsten…? You know something I don't?" Sandy asked with one of his bushy eyebrows raised.

Kirsten hugged her husband and gave him a quick kiss. "I might," she said mischievously.

"Are you ever going to tell me? Or are you going to leave me in the dark?"

"They'll tell you when they're ready," replied Kirsten, smiling proudly at her boys.

* * *

The two boys stood in front of the bustling carnival.

"What do you want to do?" Ryan asked, looking at Seth and letting the jolt of electricity run through him. It was nice.

"Actually, I want to try patching things up with Summer. I'll meet you here in about a half and hour, okay?" Seth said before leaving.

"…Bye," Ryan said quietly. Alone, he had no idea what to do. So he wandered until he found Marissa. He smiled slightly. "Hey," he greeted.

Marissa snapped out of her reverie. "Hey, Ryan."

Ryan sat down next to her on the cold bench. "How are you?" he asked, out of politeness.

"I'm fine," she replied, before asking, "You're not mad about D.J., are you?"

D.J.? _Oh_. He suddenly remembered. "No," he said absently, "I left, after all. I don't blame you."

"Thanks," she said, then remarked, "There's less drama with him."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. There's no water polo boyfriend…"

"Or shoplifting, I hope."

She laughed. "No. There's no nasty breakups…"

"Or any crazies like Oliver."

"Or any old girlfriends," said Marissa, "It's nice, just being together. But I kinda miss the drama."

"Me too," Ryan commented, "But I wouldn't want it back."

Marissa nodded. "Ryan, we can still be friends, right?"

"Of course," he smiled. He checked his watch, and saw that it had almost been a half hour. He stood up. "I'll see you later."

"Bye," she said. She paused, then added mischievously, "Good luck with Seth!"

The comment made Ryan turn around in surprise, and she just laughed.

* * *

"How'd it go with Summer?" Ryan asked as he approached Seth.

"Not so well. I did something stupid, and she told me off," he moped.

"I'm sorry," said Ryan as he put an arm around Seth's shoulder, "How bad was it?"

Seth was barely able to speak with the arm around him. "Pretty bad. She probably won't ever speak to me again."

"I don't know what to say, Seth," Ryan said, "Why don't we go to the comic book store? That usually makes you happier."

Seth beamed. "Sure! I'd love to!" They began to walk, and Ryan slowly moved his arm from his shoulder, letting his fingers linger down his arm. Seth shivered at the extended contact. "Ryan…?" He was answered with a small smile.

When they had entered the car, Seth decided to ask. "On the plane, I asked if you liked me back, but you didn't exactly answer. And I'm probably being stupid, but I just have to make sure because—"

He was interrupted by a soft, chaste kiss. Seth pressed his lips back to Ryan's, and the kiss lingered. Ryan broke it before it could get any deeper. "Does that answer your question?" he asked, his forehead pressing against Seth's.

Seth did an impression of a goldfish, which Ryan used to his advantage by claiming his open mouth. This time, their fervent kissing went deeper, and Ryan's tongue slipped into Seth's mouth.

They finally broke apart with deep gasps for air. Seth was dazed. "…You really like me."

"Yes, Seth."

"You want to be with me?"

"Yes, Seth."

Seth grinned and kissed him again.

"Seth, let's go home," Ryan said huskily after the kiss. Seth brightened in his seat.

It was a hard journey, but they reached the destination. And it was worth all the trouble.


End file.
